Wednesday, 5 September 2012

50 Shades of Adobe

Oh, Adobe Creative Suite 5.5, your daughters are harsh mistresses. I thought I liked guys, but your vixens have made me cross the rainbow.

I meet Photoshop. I'm told she's a nice girl. I take her out to dinner. We look at pictures together. She's upfront and lets me play with her lasso tools. Her magic wand opens up a new world to me. We keep it low-key, but we do quite a little bit of red eye removal and cropping together. Although we don't really know each other that well, we seem to be having a good time. I start to get attached to her. I even do an evening course to make sure I can fulfill her needs.

But then she says we should start seeing other people. I'm a bit cut by this, but I move on. By chance, I happen to score an introduction to her — I'm told — hotter, younger sister, InDesign. We have coffee. Straight away I see her much larger selection of tools. She tells me she's close to her sister, and I believe it. We start working on documents. I like her hot layers. I really like her effects. Again, I do an evening course to make sure I can give her the best treatment a guy can. We even double date with a friend of mine and InDesign's cute cousin, Illustrator. We're liberated like that.

But then she says that she's not ready for commitment. I'm in the wilderness again. A couple of months later, I do another course to learn more about your family, Mistress Adobe. I like to be thorough. And you've got a lot of daughters. And those girls get around, if you know what I mean.

I'm intrigued by this one named Dreamweaver. As fate would have it, I bump into Photoshop, InDesign and Illustrator one day. They're out with their aunt, Dreamweaver. Man, she's a cougar. She slips me her card. We catch up. We start to see a lot of each other. She's an enigma, wrapped up in a conundrum, inside a paradox. She shows me both sides of herself; her design on top, and her underlying code. Hot.

I'm entranced now, in a dreamlike state. I need to get to know her properties box more intimately. Her CSS styles look hypnotic. Her assets ... man, does she have some. She wants me to design her some pretty pages. I'm thinking of doing another course to help me be a better partner to her. Because she can be tough as nails. She's so complex; deep. I'm the Neo to her Matrix. But I will get to know her better. Even if it kills me.

Yes, Adobe, your gals are certainly pieces of work. You saucy minxes, you. Rowr.

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